That’s a hardware problem

 How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that’s a hardware problem.

What A Timezone

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Plate Dine Out

What did one plate say to his friend?

Tonight, Dinner is on me.

converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide

 “Hey what’s up?”

“Nothing much.. converting Oxygen into Carbon dioxide.”

“How the hell do you do that?!” 

“Breathing… Dude.”

??????

Biggest Grave

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

$10 for a lie

 Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Tea pain

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Broken Finger

 A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."

The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

Second Language

 A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. 

"What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."