A mathematician organizes a raffle in which the prize is an infinite amount of money paid over an infinite amount of time.
Of course, with the promise of such a prize, his tickets sell like hot cake. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment:
“1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that…”
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said, it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
If a=b and b=c then a=c,
now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student :
I love you sir
and you love your daughter
which means I love your daughter.
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up .
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip .
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage .
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered
There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing. On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan !!!.
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, “Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!” And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, “Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!”
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.
Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees. !!!!
The Japanese exclaimed, “What??… so expensive!” There upon, the driver yelled back, “Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.
“A million dollars”, he answered, “because I wish to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question.
]He asked for two million dollars. “I wish to give a million to my family, he explained,
“and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a politician.
When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.
The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I’ll keep $1
million,and we’ll give the American engineer $1million and send him to Mars”
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: “Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some flowers in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?”
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.”
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden.”
The prisoner wrote another letter back: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the flower.”
Hero loves heroine , but heroine loves the villain.
But villain loves hero’s sister,and hero’s sister loves heroine’s brother .
Here, heroine’s brother loves villain’s sister .
But villain’s sister loves hero’s brother.
Again!, hero’s brother is also interested in heroine , and you already know that heroine loves villain.
Finally two people commit suicide.
Who’re they? ……….. Producer and the Director!!
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question ???
So, Which Platform are you Working on ???
Teacher: U idiots! At your age Einstein ranked first in class.
What about you?
Student: Sir at your age Hitler committed suicide..!
What about you?
One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn’t Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.
Q.1. Your Name…………………….( 2 MARKS )
Q.2. Which tyre burst?……………( 98 MARKS )
a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right …!!!
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class seen God?”
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Absolute silence.
“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then, according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!”
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters…
First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… totally exhausted and panting.
Second, the man is drinking our Cola and
Third, our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place”
“That should have worked,” said the friend.
The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left…”
1.”We will do it” means “You will do it”
2.”You have done a great job” means “More work to be given to you”
3.”We are working on it” means “We have not yet started working on the
same”
4.”Tomorrow first thing in the morning” means “Its not getting done
“At least not tomorrow!”
5.”After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views” means “I have already decided, I will tell you what to do”
6.”There was a slight miscommunication” means “We had actually lied”
7.”Lets call a meeting and discuss” means “I have no time now, will talk later”
8.”We can always do it” means “We actually cannot do the same on time”
9.”We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline” means “The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time.”
10.”We had slight differences of opinion “means “We had actually fought”
11.”Make a list of the work that you do and let’s see how I can help you” means “Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me”
12.”You should have told me earlier” means “Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!”
13.”We need to find out the real reason” means “Well I will tell you where your fault is”
14.”Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected,” means, “Well you know…”
15.”We are a team,” means, “I am not the only one to be blamed”
16.”That’s actually a good question” means “I do not know anything about it”
17.”All the Best” means “You are in trouble”
Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hand look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
Voice Mail
Never answers your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
Looking Impatient and Annoyed
According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
Leave the Office Late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
MOST IMPORTANT!!!:
DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Lunch Breaks:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.
Surgery:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Officer: What Is Your Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Tell Me Properly.
Candidate: Mohan Pal Sir
Officer: Your Father’s Name?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Manmohan Pal Sir
Officer: Your Native Place
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Is It Madhya Pradesh?
Candidate: No, Munnur Pal Sir
Officer: What Is Your Qualification?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: (angrily) What Is It?
Candidate: Metric Pass
Officer: Why Do You Need A Job?
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: And What Does That Mean?
Candidate: Money Problem Sir
Officer: Describe Your Personality
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: Explain Yourself Clearly
Candidate: Magnanimous Personality Sir
Officer: This Discussion Is Nowhere, You May Go Now.
Candidate: M P. Sir
Officer: What Is It Now
Candidate: My Performance. ..?
Officer: M.P!!!
Candidate: What Is That Sir?
Officer: Mental Problems
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”Pfufffff and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back right now .” Pfuffff ……….:p
Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST
A person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called “SAINTS”
But now they are called….
.
.
.
“IT professionals/ Logistics Professionals”
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks: “So how are your men?”
“Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.“
“I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.” “Well, my men are very brave, too.”
“I’d like to see that.”
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: “Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”
“Are you crazy? It’d kill me, you idiot! I’m out of here!” As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
“You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”
In an elephant’s school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A sexy female elephant passes by the canteen.
Then one of the elephants says: “Look yaar, 3600 – 2400 – 3600!!”
