Happy new year

I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year 2010 ....

worried

Husband and Wife goes to a hotel,
one lady said 'hello' to her husband..
Wife: who was she??
Husband: Pls don't bother me, i m already tensed as she will ask the same question to me!!!

cry

X:Why are you crying?
Y: The elephant is dead.
X: Was he your pet?
Y: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

fooool

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

forget it :-o

Q: What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again

everest gift

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?

Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

stupid

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute
I asked you to marry me.

perfect match

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one everyday.

abbrivate WIFE

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Every time!
Wife: No darling, it means,
With Idiot For Ever

problem

Man to doctor: I have one problem..
Dr.: what?
Man: I can't see the person whom i am talking..
Dr: when you face this problem??
Man: while talking on the phone. !!!

wise criminal

Police: You will be dead by tomorrow at 5am.
Criminal: ha ha ha..
Police: why are you laughing??
Criminal: I get up at 9 in the morning..

carefulness

In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom.
To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I SPIT IN THE SOUP".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "ME, TOO".

precaution

Girl said boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The boy replies: Thanks for the warning.

i will give and share

Girlfriend: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, problems and
lighten your burden.
Boyfriend: It's very good darling, But I dont any worries or troubles.
Girlfriend: Well that's because we aren't married yet..

wise

A Foolish man tells a woman to stop talking ,
but a wise and smart man tells her that she looks extremely beautiful and gorgeous,when her lips are closed..!!

gift :-(

Mr Joy: I sent 200 kisses check to my wife on her birthday as i was out of pocket.

Friend: good, so what she did??

Mr. Joy: Bank manager en cash that check !!!

inexpensive

wife : We are very poor, there is nothing good.
husband: but dear, there is one thing good about being Poor.
wife : what??
husband: It is Inexpensive.!!!

true

will this ever going to be true??

1) Two Idiots are playing chess

2) Two Women are sitting quiet.

3) Girl Friend are paying the bill…!!!

want to listen more???

you are intelligent..

coke bottle finger

husband: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.
wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml and now it's 1.5 ltr.

finished

Father: dear son, a man is incomplete until he is married.
Son; after that?
Father: Finished !!!

two wheeler parking

Once man was removing his two wheel his car.
someone asked him: what are you doing??
man: can't you see the board, "Parking for two wheelers only."!!!

trouble to god

Once, man's wife dead..
after two day there was storm , heavy rain comes..
husband said: i think she reached to god..!!

punishment

Student: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Student: thanks mam, because i didn't do my homework.

worries

Man: I sometime get surprised.
Friend: why?
Man: Despite the Old saying tah “don't Take Your Troubles & Worries To Bed”
Most of the People still sleep with their wives!!!

who is thief?

Boy: mom, today my friend is coming home..
Pls remove all the toys..
Mom: your friend is a thief??
Boy: No, he will identify his toys...

so late..

Man: Why do you take your wife to night clubs only?
friend: By the time she gets ready no other place is open.!!

how far

two friends were talking,
1st:How much the land is far from here?
2nd:1 kilo meter.
1st man jumped into the sea and asked again: "...In which direction?"
2nd: Downwards !

pitty :(

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad a news and a worse news for you".
"what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
That's terrible," said the patient.
"How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

sympathy :-(

Groom: Father, I have found a woman just like my mother.
Father: then what do you want from me, sympathy??

why late?

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

share ...

boyfriend: I want to share everything with you.
girlfriend: Let's start from your bank account.

starts with i

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the.... ( not completed yet)
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

husband wife

Husband: we have six child and i ll call you mother five.
Wife: o.k, then i will also call you father of three !!

how to reach a heart

girl asked fer friend: what is the fastest way to man's heart?
Friend: with a sharp knife, through his chest !!!

vampaire vs jailer

1st criminal: what is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
2nd criminal relies: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

mom at home but not i am...

Salesman to a kid: is your mother home,
kid replied: yes.
Salesman: rang the bell four time, but no one comes out.
Salesman asked kid: you said she is at home??
Kid: yes, she is at home , but it is not a place where i live.

which water?

Customer: Is the water you serve here healthy?
Waiter: Yes sir, we use only well water.(water from a well)

cracking ....

Man at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing
is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!

how much salary?

A man was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

ha :-o

boyfriend; am i the first man you have ever loved ?
girlfriend; of course yes honey, why do men ask the same question?

right ring in wrong finger

Mr Jack: You are wearing your marriage ring in wrong finger..
Mr. Swan replied: Yes, because i married to a wrong woman !!

right ring in wrong finger

Mr Jack: You are wearing your marriage ring in wrong finger..
Mr. Swan replied: Yes, because i married to a wrong woman !!

which part?

Interviewer: Where you born?
Candidate: in California.
Interviewer: which part?
Candidate: All of mine.

cheap gift ....

girlfriend; It's my birthday, where is my gift??
boyfriend; Today, I offer you myself..
girlfriend; am sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

phone call ...

Mother to daughter: Good, you talk on phone just for half an hour, instead of two hour.
Daughter: that was wrong number, mom !!

expire date ...

Wife: Sweet heart..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...??
You've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

ring ...

Married man says to his bachelor friend, "

marriage a three ring circus ...
Bachelor asked: how??
Married man: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering "

very funny

Boy: My Father's name is laughing and my mother name is smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding...
Boy: No, that's my brother I am joking...

thief

A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife.
She whispers, “I think there’s a thief in the house.”
“Yes, dear,” her half-awake husband mumbles. “But in our defense, there are even more in the Senate.”

school days

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

FORGIVE

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.......

ambulance or police

One night wife woke her husband in the middle of the night and told
him "There is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the
cake that my mother made for us.
The husband asked, "who shall I call, the police
or an ambulance?..

wat u will be in rebirth

Man What do you want to become in your next life?
Friend : A cockroach.
Man: Why?
Friend : Because my wife only fears from cockroach.!!!

misunderstanding ...

Teacher: what is difference between misunderstanding and truth?
Student: You are teaching us , this is truth but we are learning that is
your misunderstanding..

stop ....

Three boys were going on a motor cycle. policeman gives hand to stop.
One boy shouted stay away, we already three on one bike, where you will sir???!!!

what an idea ...

A man approaches to a beautiful woman in a Hypermarket:
"Miss, please, I lost my wife in the store. Would you mind if I talk to you for a few minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears from nowhere."

light dinner ...

A patient standing below a tube light with an openmouth.................
WHY?
Because his doctor advised him "Tonight's dinner should be light"

future tense ...

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Student : The future tense is "you will go to jail".

naughty student ..

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec
a women gives birth to a kid.
A naughty student stands up- we must find & stop her!

over 18 ....

Nineteen ladies went for a movie.
On asking them why they came in a big group of Nineteen.
They Replied that the movie was only for the people ABOVE Eighteen !!!

oooops

A Boy on DATE witha girl in BMW car..
Boy: Sweet Heart,I hide something from you...
Girl : Tello..
Boy:I am already Married..
Girl:Ohh,You scared me..I thought , this BMW is not Your !!!!!!

jokeeeeee

Father: Dear son This time you have to gain at least 95% marks..
Son: No dad , I will gain 100% this time..
Father: :why r you making a joke.
Son: Who started first …..?????

love for bill .. :)

Boy : I love You....
Girl : I don't..
Boy : think again..
girl : no,i don;t..
boy : waiter get two separate bills for lunch..
girl : i love you a lot..I am saying this for fun..my love , pl don't take little things at heart..:)

marriage-cost??

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

popular ads

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

brilliant answer

Wife asked : What are two things you cannot have for breakfast?
Husband : Lunch and Dinner..

good wife can balance the life

beggar son

1st person :I have three sons.. two are engineers and one could not study and become beggar..
2nd person : Then kick him out of home!!!
1st person : How can i...??? only he earns......

take up the challenge

teacher:what is the different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge..

liver - kidney issue

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is liver & wife kidney.
If liver fails, kidney fails. If kidney fails, liver manages with other kidney.

what to do ? :-o

First Lady:-My husband's hair color is Black,So i will wear Black Dress for tomorrow Party.
Second Lady:-My husband's hair color is Yellow,So i will wear yellow Dress for tomorrow Party.
Third Lady questioned:My Husband is bald,So what should I ???!!!

problem :(

Son asked to father: Why was the math book sad?
Father replied :Because it had too many problems.

door bell

A lady calls man for repairing door bell.
Man doesn't turns up for 4 days.
Lady calls again,
Man replies: I'm coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell, but no one comes out.

dirty joke ...

X:Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Y: Ok
X: A white horse fell in the mud.

god is clever ..

Man asked to God - Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man - So that you love them.
Man asked to God - But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man - So that they love you..

fathers driving cars

1st boy - my father drives the car so fast that some people fly away.
2nd boy - my father drives the car so fast that the people run away.
3rd boy - my father drives the car so fast that the car is in garage and father in hospital.

girls 420 ...

Girls r 70%
Beauty
Girls r 75%
Sweet
Girls r 85%
Naughty
Girls r 90%
Cute
Girls r 100%
Lovely
Total
70+75+85+90+100 = 420

clever - daughter

Daughter - I will not go to school
mom - why so???
Daughter - mom teacher doesn't know any thing..
mom - how can you that???
Daughter- yesterday she taught that 9-4 = 5,but today she taught 6-1=5

:-o enough children ...

I asked to my friend: should women have kids after 35??
Friend said: No, 35 are enough kids..

teacher - student

Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"
Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."

stop the time

If time doesn't wait for you..
Don't worry!!
just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life!!
great people,great thoughts!!!!

april fool .. dont be a fool

On 1st April stupid man traveling in bus.
Conductor asked for ticket and he gave the money..
then said: April fool.. I already have pass!!!

interview...

Man on an interview for the post of detective was asked a question -
Interviewer - Who killed Gandhi ji ?
Man- Thanks for giving me the job, I will investigate.

how to kill a bird

How did stupid tried to kill a bird??
He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.

how do u do???

An Englishman and Indian inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Indian: Good evening, we open the zip and do!

Husband-wife.

Wife: Should i tell you one thing but pleas don't slap me...
Hus: OK,Tell..
wife : I am pregnant..
Hus :Its good news,why were you fearing
Wife :I told the same before marriage,father slapped me !!!!!

Boyfriend-Girlfriend.

Girl : "I want to end our relationship,I am going to return you everything you gave me.."
Boy : "Okay then,Let's start with Kisses..!!!"

Dont ask date of birth in interview ...

interviewee; what is your date of birth?
Man: Nov 28.
interviewer; which year?
Man; Stupid, ,every year!!!.

little attention...

Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here?

Student: yes mam, I am paying as little attention as i can. !!

father - son

Father to son:
whenever i beat you,
you don't get annoyed,
how you control your anger?
son: i start cleaning the toilet.
seat with your toothbrush

Lecturer is greater than mother ...

First Student: Lecturer is always greater as compare to Mother..
Second student: How??
First student : Because a mother can put only one child to sleep, but a lecturer can put
whole classroom to sleep !!!

miser ....

One miser's home caught fire and he is giving miss call to fire officer.. :) :)

cell theft ....

One day a man goes to the market,Someone snatch's his cell and run away.
Man follows him, but snatcher runs faster...,
Man shouts at him"Take it you donkey,but its charger is with me..!!!!"" ........

employer..

Employer : We need some one for this Job, who is Responsible.
Applicant : Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I am Responsible....

hope.

whenever you fall down never lose hope!!
gather your courage and strength and
get up and say: Hey, one more peg Please..!!! :-)

on dog..

A men goes to sell his dog..
Buyer asked him,"Is your dog Faithful"???
He replied, "Yes ,very much,I sold him three times ,but it returns to me back"!!!!

enjoying Sunday..

Husband to wife: today is Sunday, I have to Enjoy..
Wife: How?
Husband : I have got three movie tickets..
wife: but we are two, why three tickets??
husband : One for you, and two tickets for your parents !!!!

side effects..

A men was cutting side of capsule before taking it.
His Friend ask him why are you doing so????
He replied:-"TO AVOID SIDE EFFECTS"....!!!!

Vinayaka

shuklambaradharam vishnum shashi warnam chaturbuhjam
prasanna wadanam dhyayet sarva wighnopashantaye

agajanana padmarkam gajananam aharnisham
anekadantam bhaktanam ekadantam oopasmahe