mathematics

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

School Ahead, Go Slow

TEACHER: Why are you late? 
STUDENT: Because of the sign. 
TEACHER: What sign?
STUDENT: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Lawyer is alive without brain

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" 
A: "No." 
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No." 
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No." 
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" 
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." 
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" 
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

new theory

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

Memo for students hahahaha

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

call me taxi!

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

who is god!

Two goldfish in a bowl talking: 

Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?

Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

where can one get sugar ??

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.